Running From Suicide

I originally wrote this as a personal Facebook post in September of 2019.  I'm ready to share it with a wider audience now.  You are not alone.  Life is good, even when it feels like it's not, and it's worth it.  Stay!  I did, and you can too. (My podcast episode on this same topic.)

September is Suicide Prevention Month. Suicide isn’t something we talk about. It’s one of those weird taboo subjects that everyone just seems to avoid. The only time people do seem to talk about it is when it’s too late.

Six months ago I was diagnosed with situational depression and I was suicidal. I’ve fought and lived through it and beyond it, but it will always be a part of my story. I think stories like mine need told, as well as the stories that end in tragedy. Here it goes:

Late fall of 2018 I started to take a downward dive. Things weren’t going exactly as planned in life, lots of things were up in the air, and I lacked direction in my life. I felt trapped in many situations, knowing I couldn’t change anything. I’m a goal-setter. Lacking direction in life and not having goals to work towards takes away a big part of me. Time progressed and decisions that needed to be made as an individual, couple, or family we talked about, prayed about, fasted about, for months and months and months. No answers. No changes There didn’t seem to be an end in sight. Just more questions and more stress built up over time to the point I felt I might explode.

I’ve always managed my stress well with intense exercise (usually running). I can literally feel tension and pressure building up inside me; whether emotional or physical I’m not sure. But I run it off. Relaxation doesn’t do it for me. I need hardcore physical activity to melt my stress away. I started managing stress this way when I was 12, so it’s become a life-long pattern and habit. During this time of intense stress and confusion I also started to experience intense knee pain, to the point, that in January 2019, I had to stop running completely. It was hard!! I tried everything from alternative exercise to rest and finally went to a doctor, who told me the only solution was to stop running. So I did. I took a month off. It was hard again. My stress relief was gone and I felt like a big part of me had died and that I may never get it back. My life was even more out of my control, and the stress and pressure continued to build.

I didn’t give up hope at that point. I had family coming into town and I was trying to get my knee better so I had things to look forward to and work towards. Two more months came and went. My knee pain persisted, but I could do a lot of walking (no running) without too much trouble and I was happy about that. My family came for the visit and I had an amazing time with them. I threw all my energy into them, forgot my everyday life entirely, and had a great stay-cation. And then….they left.

For some reason, I found myself in a place with no plans. Nothing coming up to look forward to. No goals I was working towards. Just myself and the endless unanswered questions, and no stress relief. I began to dwell on this more and more. I really didn’t have any goals. I had lived a good life and accomplished all my goals: grow up, get a college degree, get married, have some children, check, check, check. Heck, I had even run 4 marathons and traveled the world. Hmmm? Pursue my career, which I was, but it wasn’t bringing me the fulfillment I was hoping for and I was stuck in a position where I couldn’t change the situation of things I didn’t like. What else? Travel, see the world some more. I was doing that, and although it was great and exciting, it didn’t bring me a lot of the fulfillment I was seeking either. Vacationing is not my idea of “life” That was it. I didn’t see what else was left to pursue in life.

I began to think about the longevity of my family history. 3 of my 4 grandparents are still alive and in or approaching their 90’s. I was 36 years old with no more reason to live, let alone 50+ years of things to fill it with. Then my mind started going to darker and darker places. I had lost hope. I talk with my husband, other family members, and some friends about all my goals being fulfilled, and no one had any new plans I hadn’t considered, or new goals to pursue. My mind went even darker.

At the end of March, I was driving my car along a large hill and I had an image of driving my car off the edge. I didn’t, but I felt absolutely numb as I completed the drive to my destination, picked up my kids, and drove back home. I told my husband about the image and that it had scared me. Within the next two weeks, these images of ways to end my life were becoming the norm. March 30th we spent a lovely day as a family celebrating my son’s birthday weekend and my husband noticed I wasn’t being myself. I told him that my suicidal thoughts were all-encompassing that day and that I couldn’t stop the images, that I was scared, etc. He was noticeably upset, gave me what comfort and support he could, and went to bed that night at normal time. And I didn’t.

I have a tradition of making my kids a special cake of their choice for their birthday. I usually stay up way too late decorating the cake for a surprise first thing in the morning. Tonight, the night after I had been struggling with these images all day, was that night. I was to stay up late and make a cake. I thought about ending my life that night. My husband hadn’t taken me too seriously if he left me alone and went to bed, and it would just be easier than waiting. But I thought about my son. What an awful birthday present that would be! I decided for his sake, I would wait. I put on an audiobook to keep my mind from wandering and made the dinosaur cake. It wasn’t an easy time, but I got through.

The next day was Sunday and my son’s birthday. Although I wasn’t feeling 100%, I put on a good face and tried to celebrate my son. I was able to push aside a lot of the images and pain of the day before and just relax with my family. And then Monday came. My husband went to work. My kids went to school. And I was home alone with my remote job and my images. It was a nightmare of a day. I spent a lot of the day curled up on the couch, trying to work, but mostly crying and trying to keep living. I was scared, embarrassed, confused, every negative emotion you can think of.

At some point in that day, the thought came that although I couldn’t see a reason to live, I didn’t have a desire to die necessarily. This thought came and went while my darker thoughts still pushed their way in and I struggled to know what to choose. I started looking up articles on suicide prevention to see what I could do to not die. I wasn’t fully committed to it yet, but I at least wanted to explore the option of not dying and see if there was something I was missing. I decided to make an appointment with a local counselor. I made myself make the phone call, and I hate making phone calls. To my dismay, they only had walk-in hours the next day and I was devastated. I needed an appointment! I needed something I was committed to. I finally decided to make myself an “appointment”, so I told myself to go into the counselor’s office at 12:30 the next day after my work hours were completed. That was my appointment. It got me through that day. My family came home. It was a little rough, but I put on my best face again, and we had our evening.

Then Tuesday came. The morning started out okay, and I had my 12:30 appointment. Kids off to school. Starting to work…and then they started coming again. The images, the dark thoughts, the dark desires. I realized I couldn’t live another day like this. I couldn’t be alone. I let my husband know I was going to the counseling office as soon as they opened. I contacted a friend and let her know I was having a hard time and that I didn’t want to be alone and could I work from her house that day. I didn’t tell her what was going on or how bad it really was. Like everyone, she had plans but said I was welcome to use her house and she would be home when her appointments and errands were over. That was good enough. I had to get away, somewhere.

I went to the counseling office, which is right next to our grocery store and library. In a tender mercy from God, I saw several friends on my walk from the parking lot to the office and I put on my best smile and said “hi” as I walked by. I wanted to talk to them, any of them. I wanted to tell them I was in a really bad spot and I needed support. But I couldn’t. They had their little kids and their grocery shopping, and all their things going on and I didn’t want to burden them. I walked across the street and met another friend, who actually stopped to talk to me. She asked me how I was doing and I burst into tears and told her I was doing really bad and I was on my way to talk to a counselor. I didn’t tell her how bad it was either. I told her many of the things that were weighing heavy on my mind. The questions and confusion I had and she was just there and let me talk and listened. She told me to talk to her later after my session and we parted ways.

I slowly went up to the counseling center. I knew I had to do it. I had to try something before I just gave up. I went up to the reception desk. The lady casually asked me if I was having thoughts of hurting myself or others. More tears, as I responded “yes” to her nearly horrified face. I filled out the paperwork and went into my appointment.

The counselor was textbook. She asked the expected questions. Did I have a personal history of depression? Yes, but it was mostly manageable and infrequent. Did we have a family history of depression? Yes. Did I have a rough childhood? In many ways, no, but in some ways very much so. She also asked if I had a plan for my suicide. I told her, “no”, but I knew I was on my way to making one. She asked me to wait and live one more day. Come back for another appointment the next day, and just hold off, which I committed to doing.

On my way to my car, my friend was there again. I don’t know if she still had errands or if she was waiting for me, but either way, I was glad she was there. We went to the library while her little boy played and she let me talk some more. She also had no new ideas or solutions for me, but at that point, I didn’t really care. I just needed to not be alone. After talking with her for a while, I contacted my other friend that I was supposed to meet up with and let her know that I was doing okay and I went home. I was exhausted from talking and I knew I was safe for one more day.

In my counseling session the next day we discussed choices and that all of us have choices, no matter our situation, and that you can make your life into what you need it to be. She encouraged me to reconsider all my current situations and decisions and make sure that I wanted that as part of my life. It was eye-opening as I realized that most of the things in my life I did want and I was doing on purpose. There was still so much out of my control, but I was able to finally see the things that I already had some choice over and what I could do to gain more choices if I wanted. I wasn’t a victim in my own life. I could be a creator as this amazing tool describes (below). The first choice I wanted to make was about suicide. What was that the choice I wanted? When I honestly truly looked at it that way and realized I could choose, I decided I wanted to live. I found it! A new goal. It seemed like a silly one, but obviously important, my new goal was to keep living.

My journey since then hasn’t been an easy one. My suicidal thoughts went away within some intense weeks. Overcoming my situational depression took months. But I’ve made it. It’s history now. Here are some things I’ve learned from this experience…so many things.

1. Be educated: Be educated about depression, anxiety, and suicide. I was lucky enough to have been recently trained on the signs of suicide in a church leadership meeting. I recognized those signs in myself and took the steps I needed to get help. I was grateful for that training at the time but didn’t imagine I’d need it for myself.

2. Take it seriously: Take suicide cries for help seriously. I only told a few people at that intense moment: my husband, my parents, and the counselor what was really going on, and none of them took me very seriously. My husband was concerned but still maintained his normal schedule while encouraging me to see the counselor. My parents were supportive on the phone but didn’t call or text to check up on me that week as I expected they might. My counselor was supportive at the office, but then put 10 days between our next appointments because it was Spring Break. But I took me seriously! I had to. I didn’t want to sink any deeper. I didn’t want my suicidal thoughts to turn into a suicide attempt, or suicide itself.

3. Make and execute a safety plan: If you or a loved one are on the edge, make a plan to get help if needed. I didn’t use this worksheet below, but I had these things in mind those weeks and months of recovery. This (below) one also looks helpful. The first worksheet lists coping skills. I had known and used running as stress management, but that was gone. I had to find other things: Punching (kickbox style) and lots of walking became my exercise relief. I also found a lot of peace in music. My journey can actually be documented in these songs (below) as they spoke to me at different points in my mental, emotional, and spiritual journey. 1. When I was feeling lost and confused but was still trying, 2. When I was giving up and felt like I couldn’t go on but still had the smallest desire and knew I needed help. 3. When I decided “staying” was the best option and that there was hope for the future. 4. When I decided I don’t have to be in control and to trust that the Lord knows what he wants my life to be, even if I don’t. 6. When I realized that God had helped me climb my mountains and grow stronger through this trial. I also made people a lot bigger part of my life. A few others I told how bad things really were, some I told I was struggling, and others still I just sought a better friendship with. I wanted to surround myself with people so that if I started struggling again I had people to turn to. I love people anyway, but in my months of depression, I had isolated myself more and more from others. Not on purpose, and it was so gradual that I didn’t really notice until I was at a moment of crisis and I realized I didn’t have anyone but my husband that I really felt close enough to turn to, and that bothered me.

4. Those in need might not be those you expect: Those struggling might not be someone you expect. I’ve been a strong independent person most of my life. When I’ve struggled with depression, most of the time, I’ve struggled alone. I get out of bed each day, take care of myself, my home, my family, and often even others. I fulfill my responsibilities and keep my commitments. The person that’s struggling with depression or suicide might not be showing stereotypical signs. But, I did show signs. During those months leading up to my suicidal thoughts, I often told people I was having a hard time, that I wasn’t finding a lot of purpose in life, that I didn’t have any goals. I even told someone that I wouldn’t mind dying running if I could run again. I did show signs! This goes back to education. People didn’t know the signs, and very few people asked me why I was having a hard time, what was going on, if I was okay, etc. In May I attended a church meeting where we had a chance, if desired, to share a few thoughts. I went into not very many details but made it very clear that I was coming out of a really dark time and was grateful for the progress that I made and all the Lord had blessed me with. For some reason, that time, people noticed. I started getting messages, letters, calls, etc. from many people in my church group making sure I was okay. I felt a little embarrassed, but grateful. Mostly I was sad though. I told one friend that I felt like the fire-crew had arrived and started fighting after the fire was out. I was okay at that point! I was climbing out of the last of my depression and making great progress. I wanted to scream…where were you, people, when I needed you? Why didn’t anyone ask me why I was crying at church or talking about having a hard time month after month? Why didn’t anyone wonder when I posted songs about drowning? Where were you? Why didn’t you notice then? I am okay. I know that they love me and that I could have turned to them at that time and they would have been there for me. I know that my journey is my own and that my decision to stay was mine as well. In May though, I was just sad that the help I needed was not more easily accessible. None of us are super-heroes. We all need a support system and need to be aware of those around us, even, or sometimes especially, those that seem the strongest.

5. Life is worth living: My number one goal is still to live. I’m really not sure yet what life will hold for me. What I’m going to be doing for the next 50+ years, but I know I’m going to be doing it. I’ve made some changes big and small to life and I’m happier with life situations now, but it’s not perfect. There are still lots of questions, lots of unknowns, and lots of bends along the river ahead that I can’t see. But, I’m going to take that journey. I’m going to keep going forward each day, making the life that I want where I can, and trusting that life will be okay and God will take care of me when I don’t have control.

The last six months have not been all roses and sometimes there have been very hard days, but I’ve lived those days. I’ve been with my family and friends. I’ve had experiences, good and bad, and learned through it all. Live is worth it! I don’t know all the reason why, but I felt like I needed to write about my experience. I hope that I can help someone else. I hope those who are struggling know they are not alone. I am here if anyone needs support. I hope those who have loved ones who have struggled to know how much they are needed. How much their love and support means. How much of a difference they can make. And to those who have watched others lose their battles, don’t give up! You can still make a difference. You can celebrate their life. You can open your mouth and spread awareness of this issue. It’s a fight we all need to keep fighting because life is worth living and there is HOPE. My love and prayers go out to you.

Helpful links: https://powerofted.com/the-empowerment-triangle/, https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/.../how-to-help..., https://www.therapistaid.com/worksheets/safety-plan.pdf, https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/.../how-to-create-a..., https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/promote-national.../

My song journey: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dYVpb4dpWTE, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uAbxrtKOr_Q, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q0yElMXqYRc, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q1xlpcu3gsU, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M4x9Qh9yRvU

The Parable of the Foolish Runner

    A few weeks ago as I was getting ready for my morning run, when I checked my headlamp it was completely dead.  Huh, I thought, I guess I’ll do some stretches while it gets a quick charge and then hopes it lasts for the entire run.  So, I did that.  I left the house with a bright headlamp and quickly forgot that it had been running low at all.

    I usually get in my morning scripture study on gospel library audio during my morning exercise and this particular day I was listening to President Nelson’s recent talk from the Women’s Session.  As he was speaking about physical and spiritual preparedness, I thought of the COVID situation and how our family had done fairly well with preparedness and living through this pandemic. Not perfect by any means, but we’ve done okay.

    And then…shortly after the talk was over my light started to dim and in a matter of 5 minutes, I went from having a pretty bright light to no light at all.  It was still a while until sunrise and I was very much in the dark, 3 miles from home.  My goals and expectations for that run quickly changed from running it at a certain pace to not tripping, not getting hit by a car, and making it safely home.

    As I continued on my run I noticed things I never had before: how close together street lamps were, how lights from cars behind me were very helpful in being able to see, and how lights from cars coming towards me were at first almost blinding, but as my eyes adjusted that light was also helpful in being able to find my way.  I also found myself at times that there were no lights at all, and the only way to find my way in the darkness was to follow the big white line painted on the side of the road.

    As I ran, aside from thinking about how to get more light to see by I thought about the talk I had just listened to and the irony of thinking I was prepared, when in a very real way at that moment, I was not.  I also thought a lot about the parable of the 10 virgins.  5 were wise, 5 were foolish.  For the first time in my life, I took a much deeper look at the foolish virgins.  I was it!  I was the foolish one.  I was the one wandering in the dark with no light.

    How had this happened?  In my foolishness, I hadn’t checked my light the night before and I waited until the last minute to check my preparedness.  When I realized I wasn’t prepared, I quickly “prepared” and hoped it was enough, and foolishly thought it would be.  Then I found it wasn’t enough.  At that point I was desperate.  I went from borrowed light to borrowed light (street lamps, cars, etc.) hoping the light of others would be enough to get me safely home.  Had I met another runner with a headlamp I likely would have wanted to run along with them and have them share their light with me (like the oil with the wise virgins).  If there was a plug on a power pole somewhere I would have wanted to stop and take the time to plug in my light (buy from the market).  The other parallel I found was that I was very late getting home.  I half expected the door to be shut and to not be let in as the parable goes.  Luckily my home was open and I was able to enter and learn from this experience instead.

    I hope you can see the connections that I found.  I also found it interesting that the only way to get through in complete darkness was to follow a straight and narrow white line.  So, let's think together, are we really as prepared as we think we are, or naively going along on light that is “good enough”.  Are we chasing the light in the darkness, hoping to get enough from others to get by instead of preparing beforehand our own light so we can see clearly the path before us?  How do we prepare?  It’s the simple things: personal and family scripture study, prayers, attending our church meetings, tithing, fasting, serving others, fulfilling our callings, ministering to others, trusting in God, following the Holy Ghost.  These simple everyday things bring the light of Christ and the gospel into our lives so we can see brightly, even in the darkness.  We also have the opportunity to teach others how to bring light into their lives, but we can’t do it for them.  Running in the darkness on borrowed light is a scary thing and very unsafe.  At any moment we can take a wrong step and be down on the ground covered in road rash.  We need the light of the gospel to light the path before us so we can see clearly.  I urge you as the foolish runner to prepare now.  Don’t stumble around in the darkness.  Let the light of God light your life and path more and more as you turn to him and follow him.  Christ said, “….I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life.” - John 8:12.  Each day we can seek Him and find his light more in our lives.

- Originally written to the members of my church's women's group in Nov 2020.

Just Do it (Nike)!

A few weeks ago I noticed my motivation seriously dropping to get out there and get my workouts in.  Something about the cold dark of winter, or the length of marathon training with weeks and weeks to go.  Honestly, I've been working consistently for over 10 years...a little hit and miss before that, but pretty solid for some time.  Working out is a lifestyle for me.  The hardest part about going on vacation for my husband and I is trying to figure out how to get in a run, other cardio, or a strength workout.  Going on vacations seriously mess up the normal routine and I'm always happy to get back to it.

So, I've still been working out...but with motivation lacking, it ended up that I waisted time stalling.  Time that could be spent doing other important things: working, spending time with my family, cleaning my house, reading that list of books I have stacking up, or writing this blog....hmm.

About 3 weeks ago when our family schedule suddenly changed I realized that if I wanted time for all the things I needed to do and still have time for the want to dos, I better get my workout stalling under control.  Honestly guys, this is what it looked like for a few days: Alarm goes off, stubble mostly asleep to the bathroom.  Turn on the light (ahh!), force myself into my workout clothes.   Stumble to the living room for stretches...barely awake now.  I DO not look at my phone, turn on my computer, open a book...anything.  I already know those are a major time sucks and there's always the article that needs read, the email that needs responding to immediately (but really...is anyone else checking email before 6:00 A.M.). Stretches done...now I'm putting on my shoes and heading out the door for a run or to the garage for a bike-ride or strength.  Okay, I'm outside...and it's freezing.  I guess I better get running to warm up.  Alright, I'm running now...kind of.  Somewhere within the first 10 minutes, I wake up, and I'm ready to workout.  My mind wakes up, my energy engages, and I have a great workout.  Is this how you non-morning people always feel?...because really, it's craziness.  In the months when it's not dark and cold, the sun comes up, the bird starts singing and I wake up ready for action. It's blissful!

The forcing is getting easier and I'm getting into a better routine again of just getting up and going.  What got me through and helped me force myself during the last few weeks...nothing less than Nike's slogan, "Just Do It!".  But I'm still tired, I don't want to get out of bed... "Just do it".  I don't want to get on my workout clothes.  It's too cold.  "Just Do It."  Stretching is boring, takes too long, and I hate stretching.  "Just Do It".  It's REALLY cold.  I don't want to go outside.  I don't feel like running.  "Just Do It!".  And somehow even when my heart is not into it my body is and things happen.  I end up with the sense of accomplishment that I did my workout and I can move on to the rest of my day.  Running also gives me a lot of energy (not every time), and so I feel a lot better physically and emotionally when I run.

Looking back I've had this approach to exercise for a long time, but didn't have words for it.  I've often had people ask me how I can run so far, so fast, so long...blah, blah, blah.  It's called training.  You pick a plan or make your own and you follow it.  Every day I know my workout and I get up and do it.  Is it always exciting?  No.  Do I always hit my fastest times?  Absolutely not.  Actually most of the time my workout doesn't even say to hit my fastest time (about that another time).  Workouts get down, progress happens by this kind of attitude...you just get it done.

Another key to long-term success has been to have a set time that I KNOW works!  When I started distance training, I had a baby and some other little kids at home.  That was no joke of a time to take on something that ambitious.  How did I make it work?  I found a time, a place, etc. that I knew would work at least 95% of the time.  So, for me, first thing in the morning was that time.  My husband works pretty early in the morning and I knew he'd be around to help with the kids if I could get my workout in before he left.  Unfortunately (and not), he also started training, so long weekend runs became difficult.  We worked it out with me still running early morning, but I spent most of those years with really little kids on my treadmill in the garage with my baby monitor close by.  I trained for my first 3 marathons on a treadmill.  I know it sounds crazy, and it was, but it was what needed to happen to make it work for our family.

Anyway, I guess my takeaway is that it's so important to not let excuses get in the way of your goals.  If something is really important to you, make it work in your life.  I'm still learning how to apply this principle to other aspects of my life (especially food).  I'm excited to keep going through those days when there are slumps in motivation and reach my upcoming goals...and I'm super excited for the sun and birds to come back (come on spring!).

THE Marathon!

I'm currently training for Marathon #5.   It will be about 4 1/2 years since my last marathon.  I didn't start distance running until my late 20's and then I got kind of hooked.  I gradually increased my race distance after my last pregnancy from 5K to 5 miles to 10K and then to a 1/2 marathon.  My 1st half marathon I trained really hard...but I was inexperienced with the race, and it went kind of awful.  I had taken a red-eye flight across the country to run with my awesome sister-in-law who pretty much is the reason I started distance running...and I was totally wiped out from the travel...and my system was all backed up.  What was supposed to be an awesome race ended up being a major stomach ache and pits stops at miles 10 AND 11 and then I was sick most of the rest of the day (more on that lovely dilemma another time).  Because of my extra stops and other factors I came in 45 seconds slower per mile than I hoped I would have.  But...I kept trying.  I ran several other half marathons, each faster or close to the last pace, until one day...it happened, I finally reach my goal of running an average of 8:00 min/mile.  It was a really great race and also my first "win" - first female.  I thought that was it, but last year I ran two 1/2 marathons, both faster at 7:53 and 7:51 pace.  The 1/2 marathon is a race that I really feel I've got a handle on.  I can finish strong and in good times and I know how to pace myself throughout.

And then...there's the marathon.  For me, the marathon has been a completely different animal.  Most of the time when I've trained for a marathon, it went pretty well.  But...each race something did NOT go well and I've been disappointed again and again.  I've told people time and time again that I did not conquer the marathon, the marathon conquered me.  And that's where it stands.  I've finished 4 marathons, but I haven't finished any of them well...if that makes sense.  I've seen the difference at marathon finish lines.  Everyone puts forth a lot of effort and no doubt the marathon is no joke of a distance, but there are some that come across the finish line having "won" and others that just survived.  I'm still in the survival camp.

My first marathon was actually my best time...just over 4:00 hours.  I trained hard and felt really good until about 18 miles.  And then...I got slower...slower...and slower.  Those last 8 miles just dragged on and on and on.  Somewhere between 22 and 24, we had a steeper downhill and my legs almost completely seized up.  I pushed on through the rest of the race...actually running probably 99% of it, and made it to the finish line.  I came across the finish line completely exhausted, but super proud.  The shocking thing was after a little bit of a rest when I tried to stand up...I really couldn't.  My legs had zero strength.  It took weeks for my legs to recover and for things to feel "normal" again.  Now, to my credit this marathon was rainy...so not only did I finish a marathon, but one in a great deal of rain.  Wahoo!

And then, I did my 2nd marathon.  I was expecting it to be like other races...better every time, but it wasn't.  It was an extremely horrible rainy day...and I got lost on the course...twice.  I openly admit that I cried and since it was a very small somewhat unorganized race, I just quit when I reached 26.2 miles and walked the rest of the way to the finish line, told the race director I got lost and gave him my own clocked finish time.  The marathon had beat me again.

3rd time the charm...right?  No such luck!  My husband and I ran my 3rd marathon together.  He is a much faster runner than I am, so I feel a little silly when I'm all tired and I feel like I'm holding him back, but we decided to do it together.  We traveled a bit, which put us in a different climate.  We trained in 50 and 60-degree weather and on race day in our race location is was over 80 degrees.  The first 10 miles went pretty well and I was enjoying the experience...and then we hit...the sand!  Who in their right mind decided to put the next 10 miles on a sandy trail, I will never know...but curse them!  My speed instantly slowed as I slopped through the sand.  By the time we got out of the sand the heat of the day had sunk in and it was crazy hot and miserable.  We finished...but again, my time was slower, both than my 1st and my 2nd marathons.

Okay, last attempt: #4.  My husband and I again decided to try the same race, but this time, not run it together.  At the time we were living in Japan...so we made it an international marathon by being there!  It was an amazing experience to run a marathon in a foreign country, but the marathon kicked my butt...again.  In Japan, it's very uncommon to close the streets for smaller marathons, so the course is often on a river trail, or in this case...loops of a park.  We kind of forgot that Japan likes to build its parks on unusable hills...making the marathon course 10 - 2.6 mile loops of the park's uphill/downhill course.  That course had some of the steepest things I've ever run...maybe even some stairs if I remember right.  I had been fighting what was likely the beginning of my knee injuries at that time so the uphills were insanely brutal and the downhill killed my knee.  So...I made it..again.  I stopped for way too long at a restroom at mile 17 trying to convince myself and my stomach to finish the race, but I did it.  How did my finish time come in?  It was the worst time yet!  Where my 1/2 marathon times got faster each time...my marathon times have done quite the opposite.

So, as I said, I have yet to conquer the marathon.  In the last 4 years as I've struggled with injury almost anytime I try and train above long runs over 15 miles, the marathon has still been out there...taunting me!  I'm finally strong enough that I'm going to give it another try.  Will this marathon #5 be the time when I finally conquer?  When I come across the finish line will I be satisfied with my accomplishment?  No idea!  I've learned A TON in the last 4 years both from experience, but also from reading lots of books on running, so I think I have a better idea of how to pace and fuel myself for a successful race, but only time will tell.

Injury - it keeps going and going (part 2)

A little over 2 years ago I started struggling with some knee pain that just got worse and worse, no matter what I did.  I ended up going to a Dr. (again) who told me (again) that I just couldn't run for a while.  I gave that a try, but it just wasn't helping, so I begged for a referral to a Physical Therapist.  I got one for several months out.  It ended up being almost six months from the time when my knee pain was near unbearable and affecting my life greatly, even waking me up at night, to the time when the pain was small enough I could run 5K again with only minimal pain.  It was a miserable time in my life and due to stress unrelated to running, but stressors that I usually managed with running, I plunged into the deepest depression of my life.  I won't go into the details of the darkness I experienced at that time, but I will tell you I learned some very important lessons from it all.

One lesson I learned pertaining to running, is that I LOVE it, and want to keep doing it as much and as long as I can.  The other important lesson that I learned is that my time is limited.  There are so many things that could happen that would make it so I could never run again.  That could be a sudden accident, or it could be a slow injury that I never bounce back from.  This realization has made me appreciate running so much more, and I've decided to do everything I can to keep running for as long as I can.

Fast forward to this past summer, the right knee pain hasn't completely gone away, and on top of that my LEFT knee decided it was its turn to give me trouble.  I tried to ignore it a little bit, but decided that wasn't a good idea to ignore pain again. So, I decided to "train" away my injury instead of the ever recommended R.I.C.E.  (Rest, Ice, Compression, Elevation).  I was okay with the I.C.E part, but not the R...don't get me wrong though, I love rice!

Anyway, for my "training", I kept up my PT from the old Dr., decreased my miles, moved off the hills and onto a track, increased biking to compensate for lost aerobic activity, and slowly started building up as my knee allowed.  It was enough.  I did much better with the reduced running than the non-running and it was great to feel like I was involved in my recovery instead of sitting on the side-lines.  

I also made an appointment with my Dr. who gave me a referral for a Physical Therapist.  Again, I got involved, I called a whole bunch of PT offices until I found someone who specialized (at least a little) in runners.  She's helped me identify and fix some of the issues and felt I was progressing so well that she "graduated me" and put me on a home program.  

The greatest part, while I was recovering from this injury I trained for 5 races (2020 style - virtual): a 5K, two 10Ks, and 2 half marathons.  The craziest part is as I'm recovery and strengthening my weak areas that are causing me injuries something else is happening that I still don't understand.  I'm faster!  At almost 40 years old, I'm faster than I've ever been.  In the last 6 months, I've been able to get new PRs on every distance I've tried (10K, 5 mile, 10 mile, and 1/2 marathon), except the 5K.  My mind is totally blown by this, but I'm continuing to recover and learn more about how to avoid injury so I can keep running in the future.  If a side benefit of all this is that I become not only injury-free but a better runner overall, I'll totally take it.

I'm not completely healed from either my right knee pain or my left, but every week (even while training) I'm getting a little stronger and I'm hoping all this will land me once again to a marathon starting and finish line.  Due to injuries over the years, it's been a long 4 years away from that very challenging (at least for me) race.  Can't wait to be there again!

Injury - It keeps going and going and going

 This will likely be the first of many posts on injury.  I've dealt with running-related injuries my entire life.  I remember in my early teens, even though, I was only running 10 - 15 miles a week, I'd often have major pain in my shins and ankles.  My mom would try and massage them (good lady!) and give me ankle strengthening exercises to try, but the reality was that I was in pain, and if I didn't run the pain was reduced.  I think it was around that time that I went to a Dr. and got orthotics...but neither my parents nor I remember those details clearly.

When I was a junior in High School I was talking to a friend who told me about cross-country.  Coming from a not running family, I honestly had no idea there was such a sport and I was amazed and told her, "I run 3 miles all the time."  I started training with the High School team that summer and it was a blast until it wasn't.  I was quickly injured and had to stop running with the team or even by myself as much. Other things become a priority (work mostly) and in the fall my friend asked if I was still injured.  I told her I wasn't, but that I hadn't practiced and I wouldn't be any good at that point.  So, I never ran a race, not one.  Still one of my High School regrets.  I didn't understand at the time that injury was COMMON for runners and especially with the lack of training that I had and the limited knowledge of my coach, it was bound to happen.

The stories could continue on and on.  It took me a while to learn that if I wanted to stay injury-free, I could only run 3 days a week.  Then I learned that I had to go at my own pace.  Of course, if I try and go at a much faster pace my lungs and muscles start streaming before the injury has a chance to develop, but if I run a much slower pace than I'm used to my injuries flair up again in a matter of a few weeks.  I've also learned that I have to do strength workouts, learned little adjustments to my gait to prevent injury, found shoes that work better for me, on and on...all to stay not injured.

Hills, hills, and more hills

 Hill workout, hill repeats, hill training, it comes by many names, but when it comes down to it, it's the same grueling workout.  You vs. the hill...again and again.  I've managed to avoid hill workouts most of my running "career?", but every once in a while, they pop up and I feel obligated to run them.  This week was one of those times.

The training plan I'm following (Smart Marathon Training - totally recommend) suggested finding the tallest hill in town and having that be your "proving ground".  Ha!  The author obviously doesn't live in MY TOWN.  There are hills around here that are easily a mile long.  I don't think he meant for this to be mile hill repeats.  So, I selected a medium-sized hill and plotted out the steepest 1/4 mile section of it to be "my hill".  Here we go.

On the menu this week was a mile warm-up, 6 hills (1/4 mile up, 1/4 mile down), and a mile cool-down.  5 miles...no biggie...right?  It was so much of a no biggie that I ended up stalling for almost an hour before I realized it was now or never and got out there.  And do you know what?  It was grueling.  At the top of each hill, I was dying and very grateful to turn around and go downhill.  Only to find myself at the bottom staring up again.  Grueling, I tell you!  I ended up eye-balling and cut the hill into thirds and would just focus on that 1/3 of the hill and that made it easier.  Up and down and up and down.  1 hill, 2 hills, 3 hills, and then 3 left, 2 left, and 1 left.  Finished!  I did my cool-down mile and went home happy about what I had accomplished...and knowing that hill and I will meet again...next week (agh!).

Later this week I had a 7-mile tempo run.  I have a course that I pretty much love and can easily pace myself on, so I headed on to that.  It was going well and then I got to the hardest part...a giant hill.  Where I usually do my best on it and get through it okay, this time I looked at that hill will fresh eyes.  Ha, I thought!  Only 1!  I can totally do that.  I charged the hill much like I had a few days earlier, although a little slower, but with much more confidence.   I had one smaller hill at the end of my run and approached it with much the same attitude.

That giant hill mile was one of the fastest times I had on that particular mile.  Thanks hill workout!  I thought you were just there to beat me up and wear me out, not to give me strength and confidence for later.  You have my respect now...and hopefully, I won't drag my feet to get out there next week...maybe.

Oh, and on a side note, my hamstrings are still screaming from those hills 4 days later.  I'm trying to lengthen my stride a little bit on the uphills so they are less impactful on my knees, and apparently, my lazy hamstrings aren't big fans of that.  You'll adjust my friends.  You'll adjust.

How about you?  Do you do hill workouts or do usually avoid them like I do?  If you run them, what does your version look like?  What helps you get up that hill over and over again?  I'd love to hear your stories too!